Contentment

Content is seen as being peaceful or happiness. I think that we get so caught up in the worldly view of wanting more. For example, if you get a raise at work how long is it until you then want another raise. If you get a new car how long until you want a newer car. Or goodness the cell phones – as soon as you get a new phone they come out with a new version and you want it so much more than the phone that you already have. Keep in mind that the original raise, car, and phone were enough for what you need but it is no longer what you want.

When I was between jobs I truly struggled with being content.  I found myself in a place where funds were low, savings was disappearing, and bills were still due.  What was I going to do to help provide for my family and my child.  I had applied for so many jobs, gone to interviews, but still nothing had panned out.  I remember sitting on my couch and crying out to God to please help me, and lead me to a job that would cover the bills.  Within that week I was notified of a job, and soon had a job that would provide the finances needed for the bills.  Granted I was not happy in that job but I still praised and thanked God for providing for me.  I had time during my drive in the mornings to pray, but also thank him for the path he had provided.  How many times have you been in this exact same spot?  Maybe not about a job, but about something that as soon as you got it you realized you were blessed but also wanted more.

What areas do you need contentment? That is a hard question to answer during infertility because it isn’t just a raise, it is a life. It is a child, carrying on a family name, etc and it hurts. However, we need to pray for contentment, maybe just contentment with God’s plan. What area will you pray for contentment with?

 

 

Day 1 – Prayer for Clarity

“Your own ears will hear him.  Right behind you a voice will say, “This is the way you should go,” whether to the right or to the left.” ~ Isaiah 30:21

 

Another translation words it as “this is the way turn around here” and it is from the Blessings for the Lord’s people.

To me this confirms that He will always be with us, listens for us to ask him for direction and clarity. We also have to be sure that we listen for his direction. If He says to go to the right why would you go to the left? He sees the big picture while we only see the small puzzle pieces. Do you trust the path he says to take? More importantly do you trust God?

We often think that we have all of the answers, but our answers are often tainted by the wants of the flesh, the desires that we have, and with infertility all of the emotions we have take a role as well.  I remember thinking maybe this is what he wants for me, or maybe this, or maybe this.  The whole time I was not listening for his direction for me.  I was working from emotion, want, desire, and my own agenda.  Entering into infertility my husband and I decided how far treatment wise we would go.  This was a personal decision for us, and I am so glad that we made this committed decision prior to starting on the infertility journey.  Knowing that we had made that decision beforehand took the option of changing our mind along the path.  There were times that I could clearly hear God telling me to wait, and those were reassuring moments but then my own mind would start running through options.  I had to silence my own mind and keep repeating his words to me.  What if the path didn’t involve me having a child was I okay with that?  My husband told me one day that even if we didn’t have a child we still had a good life.  That was hard for me to hear but also exactly what I needed to hear.

 How can we be sure we are listening for clarity?  What do you need clarity on? Maybe what treatment, what medication, or maybe God’s plan for your life.

Lord, we come to you asking you for clarity during infertility.  Clear our minds of our own thoughts and allow us to clearly hear you and which way you want us to turn.  Lord we want to silence ourselves so that we can hear you, grow closer to you, and affirm that we trust you.  Lord you know what tomorrow holds, as well as what years from now hold.  We struggle with knowing what today holds, and we ask for your clarity on your plan for us.  Does your plan involve more treatment, more waiting, children, adoption, or no children.  Lord we struggle with the thought of our future not involving children, but we know we can trust you.  Please make our thoughts, prayers, and paths clear. In your holy name we pray Amen.

~ Chrissy

 

Infertility still hurts

Infertility is such a confusing, hurtful, emotional, and mental attack that it changes everything in your life.  You may think this goes away once you have a child, but I have found that it doesn’t.  I still have lots of beautiful, strong, encouraging women around me dealing with infertility.  We laugh together, cry together, and find our way through this journey together.

When I had Emma I couldn’t wait for everyone to see her, and meet her.  However, I have a friend that when she walked through the door at the hospital I had to take a deep breath and fight back tears.  She had been on this journey with me, but I didn’t know if Emma would hurt her.  Not the typical hurt, but the emotional hurt.  This friend is the one that I dreaded telling that I was pregnant because I didn’t want our friendship to hurt, and I didn’t want this announcement to hurt her.  Instead, she kept asking about my next doctors appointment, and when I was going.  I tried to blow it off by saying oh I had to reschedule, but she stayed persistent asking questions.  Finally I said I am not going because I am already pregnant.  Before I could finish “pregnant” she jumped in my lap hugging me.  It had gone so much better than I imagined, so how would this first time of seeing Emma go?  As she walked in I just reached my hands out to hand Emma to her.  Needless to say the visit went well, and we both did good because we didn’t cry.  When that same friend would have a bad doctor’s appointment she would ask for me to bring Emma by to see her.  Each time I would ask if she was sure because I didn’t want Em to bring more pain.  She would reassure me that it would help not hurt.  Now if you have never experienced infertility I will let you in on a little secret.  Infertility impacts your mind to the point that you find yourself hating pregnant women.  Strangers, friends, or family members it doesn’t matter it just hurts you so the defense is you don’t like them.  I would take Em to visit and for that time frame I just let the friend take care of her, hold her, and feed her.  I wanted the friend to experience the peace and love of a baby even if it wasn’t her own.  the friend now calls Emma “puddle” because she says Emma melts her.

While that visit was the first infertility experience after having Emma, it wasn’t the first slap in the face of infertility for me.  After having Emma I was thanking God for giving me this wonderful blessing, and enjoying every minute of her.  I never complained about the pregnancy, the labor, or any of the rough days.  Everything was good until my cycle stared back.  That first one after having Em was BAM in the face reminder of all of the negative tests and infertility.  The reminder of all of the times I thought I was pregnant only to find out I wasn’t.  The reminder of the hurt, the pain, the questions, and the miracle in the other room.

Since I started talking about infertility I have realized how complex infertility is.  Once you get pregnant it is like others with infertility don’t want you around because you are now what they hate.  Then other pregnant women don’t want to hear about infertility because it doesn’t make sense to them.  Now you are lucky if you keep infertile friends, and if you go through parenting with someone else who dealt with infertility.  I am so lucky to have friends in both of these categories.

Infertility is tricky.  You catch little details like the length of time they tried to get pregnant, the number of treatments, the number of medications, and the amount of “work” they put into their infertility.  However, that shouldn’t be the focus.  The focus should be on encouraging each other and uplifting each other.  I have formed so many wonderful relationships through this journey.  I hope I am able to encourage others through my journey, and show them that there is hope.

I still have fears from infertility and grieve because of infertility.  What if I was so selfish to have a child that she has my smile, my tiny little toe, but also my infertility?  What if I cause her to have the same pain from infertility?  I grieve for women who may never hold their babies this side of heaven.  I grieve for the women who have to say goodbye to their baby before they ever say hello.  I also grieve for the friends who do not know what to say for they do not understand that sometimes no words are the best ones.  I am an open book about infertility so if you have questions feel free to ask.

~Chrissy

Why is sharing my story important?

While praying about starting all of this infertility stuff – this blog, the Facebook page, the Facebook group I kept asking myself why is sharing my story important? What will I accomplish by sharing my story? How will I be able to help others?  After a lot of thought I wanted to share with you why sharing my story is important.

Most importantly because God brought me through the darkest valley of infertility.  During this valley I was able to grow closer to God, grow as a christian, grow as a person, and most of all just grow.  God was the biggest support that I had during infertility.  I had amazing friends and family but I decided not to share this valley with all of them.  I hid negative pregnancy tests from my husband, why would I then share with so many other people my hurt?  I was selfish, I made it about me when I should have been making it about God.  God was there waiting for me to turn to Him, cry out to Him, and most of all trust Him.

Sharing my story lets others know that they are not alone.  So many women and couples go through infertility and satan whispers in your ear that you are alone, you are broken, you do not deserve a child.  That is so untrue, but as long as we are quiet and do not share our story then those with infertility will continue to feel alone.  We can come together to support each other and let them know they are not alone, they are not broken, and they are deserving.

Here is the catch to all of this though, sharing your story is important as well.  All of us have not had the same journey, but I bet we have felt a lot of the same emotions.  We have had the same thoughts, we have had the same envy, and we have had the same hurt.  We all should share our stories so that we can help each other!

Will you share your story? Remember your story is important too.

Chrissy