Hidden Hurt

Inside you feel like you are sinking.  Broken hearted, drowning in grief, or digging deeper into depression.  Do you hide your hurt?  Who do you hide it from?

For me I hid it from just about everyone – my friends, my family, my husband, and sometimes even from God.  I didn’t want anyone to know that I was imploding.  I didn’t know what was wrong with me, what I had done wrong, or more importantly how to fix it.  I saw others get pregnant with what seemed like no issues (if they had infertility I didn’t know it).  I saw women upset that they had become pregnant, women not caring for the child they were carrying, or had already had.  I worked in a career that brought lots of people to my attention that were not caring for their children.  How could God give them a child or children but not me?

I finally realized that I couldn’t judge those women.  I didn’t know their story or their hurt.  Keep in mind that was a long road or realization, but I had to let go of that hurt.  Was it fair that I was dealing with infertility, no.  However, it was not my fault or the other women’s fault that I was dealing with infertility.  I couldn’t blame myself or blame them as they were just as innocent in my diagnosis as I was.  Plus, they had no idea what my story was so I couldn’t hold them responsible.

I was blessed with an amazing support system that I realized just how important they were.  They could lift my spirit, make me laugh when I wanted to cry, or if I cried they would join me.  We need to share our hurt and not keep it hidden.  It is not healthy to keep it bottled up.  At some point the pressure in that bottle will explode, and from my experience it typically does not explode at the best time, place, or person.

You may not have a huge support system, but you have us.  You may not know how to deal with the pressure building up, but we are here.  You may not know the best way to deal with how you feel, but we are here to listen.  Will you trust us, and remove the top from the bottle of emotions you are storing?  You may choose to completely remove the top, or maybe just release it a little at a time.  Regardless we are here, and want to support you on this journey.  Do not continue to hide your hurt, let yourself begin to heal your hurt.

Day 1 – Prayer for Clarity

“Your own ears will hear him.  Right behind you a voice will say, “This is the way you should go,” whether to the right or to the left.” ~ Isaiah 30:21

 

Another translation words it as “this is the way turn around here” and it is from the Blessings for the Lord’s people.

To me this confirms that He will always be with us, listens for us to ask him for direction and clarity. We also have to be sure that we listen for his direction. If He says to go to the right why would you go to the left? He sees the big picture while we only see the small puzzle pieces. Do you trust the path he says to take? More importantly do you trust God?

We often think that we have all of the answers, but our answers are often tainted by the wants of the flesh, the desires that we have, and with infertility all of the emotions we have take a role as well.  I remember thinking maybe this is what he wants for me, or maybe this, or maybe this.  The whole time I was not listening for his direction for me.  I was working from emotion, want, desire, and my own agenda.  Entering into infertility my husband and I decided how far treatment wise we would go.  This was a personal decision for us, and I am so glad that we made this committed decision prior to starting on the infertility journey.  Knowing that we had made that decision beforehand took the option of changing our mind along the path.  There were times that I could clearly hear God telling me to wait, and those were reassuring moments but then my own mind would start running through options.  I had to silence my own mind and keep repeating his words to me.  What if the path didn’t involve me having a child was I okay with that?  My husband told me one day that even if we didn’t have a child we still had a good life.  That was hard for me to hear but also exactly what I needed to hear.

 How can we be sure we are listening for clarity?  What do you need clarity on? Maybe what treatment, what medication, or maybe God’s plan for your life.

Lord, we come to you asking you for clarity during infertility.  Clear our minds of our own thoughts and allow us to clearly hear you and which way you want us to turn.  Lord we want to silence ourselves so that we can hear you, grow closer to you, and affirm that we trust you.  Lord you know what tomorrow holds, as well as what years from now hold.  We struggle with knowing what today holds, and we ask for your clarity on your plan for us.  Does your plan involve more treatment, more waiting, children, adoption, or no children.  Lord we struggle with the thought of our future not involving children, but we know we can trust you.  Please make our thoughts, prayers, and paths clear. In your holy name we pray Amen.

~ Chrissy