Three ring circus

Do you ever feel like you are standing in the middle of a three-ring circus?  There is so much going on around you that you are not sure if the elephants are coming out, the tightrope walkers are in the air, or if the motorcycles are going into the steel cage.   Infertility often puts us standing right there in the middle of the three ring circus not having any idea what is going on or what is coming next.

Infertility takes the three-ring circus to a completely new level because no ones three ring circus is the same.  I found myself standing in the middle of that three ring circus, as did Andrea, and you may have as well.  It becomes more difficult because none of us have the exact same circus.  Therefore, we feel alone because even if our friend has infertility her story is completely different that ours.

Can I let you in on a secret – you are not alone that is just satan trying to make you feel like you are.  Satan tries to make us feel broken, inadequate, alone, and not worthy.  Don’t buy those lies!  You are wonderfully made, you are a child of God, and you are worth the life of Jesus!

In those moments of the circus going wild where do you turn?  Even if your friend has a different circus, talk to her.  If your spouse isn’t aware of the circus going on in your mind, talk to him.  If you need a professional to talk to, do it!  Most importantly talk to your creator about it, God wants you to talk to Him.  He knew you before you were ever created, he loved you even before you were created, and he even knew you would have fertility issues before you were created.  Talk to Him, He already knows your thoughts, wants, and wishes; He still wants you to talk to Him.  How worthy does that make us that He wants us to talk to Him!

What is going on in your circus? Is the tent just being put up, are the acts going on all around you, or are the people leaving the show?

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Hidden Hurt

Inside you feel like you are sinking.  Broken hearted, drowning in grief, or digging deeper into depression.  Do you hide your hurt?  Who do you hide it from?

For me I hid it from just about everyone – my friends, my family, my husband, and sometimes even from God.  I didn’t want anyone to know that I was imploding.  I didn’t know what was wrong with me, what I had done wrong, or more importantly how to fix it.  I saw others get pregnant with what seemed like no issues (if they had infertility I didn’t know it).  I saw women upset that they had become pregnant, women not caring for the child they were carrying, or had already had.  I worked in a career that brought lots of people to my attention that were not caring for their children.  How could God give them a child or children but not me?

I finally realized that I couldn’t judge those women.  I didn’t know their story or their hurt.  Keep in mind that was a long road or realization, but I had to let go of that hurt.  Was it fair that I was dealing with infertility, no.  However, it was not my fault or the other women’s fault that I was dealing with infertility.  I couldn’t blame myself or blame them as they were just as innocent in my diagnosis as I was.  Plus, they had no idea what my story was so I couldn’t hold them responsible.

I was blessed with an amazing support system that I realized just how important they were.  They could lift my spirit, make me laugh when I wanted to cry, or if I cried they would join me.  We need to share our hurt and not keep it hidden.  It is not healthy to keep it bottled up.  At some point the pressure in that bottle will explode, and from my experience it typically does not explode at the best time, place, or person.

You may not have a huge support system, but you have us.  You may not know how to deal with the pressure building up, but we are here.  You may not know the best way to deal with how you feel, but we are here to listen.  Will you trust us, and remove the top from the bottle of emotions you are storing?  You may choose to completely remove the top, or maybe just release it a little at a time.  Regardless we are here, and want to support you on this journey.  Do not continue to hide your hurt, let yourself begin to heal your hurt.